Secondary does NOT mean less!! by _AniH

There are many different poly dynamics, balances and choices. I have not been in the lifestyle long enough to comprehend, understand, or have an opinion about most relationship dynamics. I do however get rather worked up when “being secondary” or having a secondary is being frowned upon as cruel, cold, fake, hurtful and a few other condescending references i have come across both locally and internationally.

In the type of poly relationship i will ever get myself into, there will always be a secondary. But i do not see it as a bad thing.

However it does depend on the reason for entering a poly relationship.

I personally believe that you cannot enter a poly relationship as a secondary, if you plan on making them your whole world, or if they expect you to make them yours, or if you expect them to make you theirs. You will feel left out. You will feel betrayed. You will feel like you are not good enough.

I have chosen to be a secondary.

My reasons will probably not be the same as anyone else’s because every person is different, as is their wants and needs.

So now I will share a bit of myself with you…

I chose to be a secondary because at the time i entered the relationship i had a fear of men. I was in a space in my life where i no longer trusted my own judgement on which men could be trusted and which not.

Secondary does NOT mean less!! by  _AniH

It was easier to trust in their relationship.

I chose to be a secondary because of my commitment issues. I wanted somewhere I felt safe. Somewhere where I could love fully, but know that when I go home, they still have each other and I still have myself.

I chose to be a secondary because I had no desire to be His or Hers, i wanted to be Theirs. I wanted to go on a journey with Them. learn from Them. be guided by Them.

I chose to be a secondary because I knew that one day I would meet my own Primary.

I chose to be secondary because i respect and love the people who i chose to share a relationship with, and i wish to keep them in my life when it is time for the relationship to end or change.

They cannot give me all of them, and i cannot give them all of me, however that does not break away from the honest trusting and good relationship it is. It does not make the connection less deep or incomplete. It’s just the agreement that works for all of us.

Am I saying poly is right? No. Am I saying Mono is right? No.

I am saying that honesty is right.

  1. You cannot enter a relationship while you are broken. It’s unhealthy – towards yourself and the person you are burdening under the guise of love. Yes relationships are hard work, but it’s the same kind of hard work than working to be a better person is. It’s “fruitful labour”. It’s not a duty or a responsibility or even a guilt trip. It’s driven by Hope, dreams and desires.
  2. Once you are in a place where you do not need anyone else in your life to be a happy person, then you can assess your life. See where you are, what kind of relationship would enrich your life at that moment.
  3. The difficult part. Finding someone/a couple/a family who’se life you can enrich without letting go of what you want to gain from having them in your life.
  4.  And then i feel you need to find one person in the relationship with who everyone is comfortable sharing their insecurities with. Communicating in a group is intimidating. Sharing fears and insecurities while you are afraid of hurting someone that’s listening, that’s horrifying. But it gets easier as the relationship deepens. But while that’s not in place yet, one person needs to know EXACTLY what’s going on.

Was i scared? Yes. I came from a background where every relationship and every experience in my life had been monogamous. It was the only reference i had.

Do you know how hard it is to try and explain how you think you will react to situations that you have never been in? And that is something that i think will always remain a part of my poly-ish lifestyle. Trying new things, trying old things with new people, trying old things with old people in new ways. There is always the unknown. (this is applicable to monogamous relationships as well, though the frequency may be slightly less? Not sure)

Just like buying shoes. You never know what it will feel like till you have tried it on. But you still imagine yourself in it before you try them on. And that imagine and sharing part, that’s a really big safety net. It helps you recognise what makes you uncomfortable, what you can cope with, what not, etc. Much sooner than when you are going in blind. It also gives the Dominant person in the scene/situation a reference on what danger signs to look out for, how better to monitor your reactions without completely breaking the mood.

Being a secondary has enriched my life. I have had the chance to explore myself, at my pace. I have been pushed. And sometimes i cringed backwards, and other times i jumped off the ledge in a beautiful dive. My relationship with a couple instead of a person, has allowed me to explore my submissive, masochistic, Switch, Dominant and Sadistic (etc) sides without feelings of guilt for neglecting my “partner” or betraying the essence of our relationship’s Dynamics.

Because they had each other they could watch me fly and grow with a selfless pride.

Because I had their belief in me I had the confidence to find myself without fearing judgement or disappointment.

And that is why i am PROUD to be a secondary. Why i find it nauseating when being secondary is referred to as BEING less. Being secondary has allowed me to live in a world where i could want MORE.

For me it means living in a world where I can be more, because i have the freedom to give all I have to give to who i want to give it, in the way that i want to give it. And that’s fine because I have chosen people that value me and the depth and different aspects to my personality, wants and needs as a person and friend first, before seeing me in the light of our dynamics and relationships.

Originally posted on Fetlife by _AniH extra Links added by You Only Wetter

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Secondary does NOT mean less!! by _AniH

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